Green Militia

Introductory Document ZZA

Eschatological Training Scenarios

Background

“The purpose of this document is to prepare the recruit for the training required to survive the rapidly approaching event which we call ‘the happening’.  The ideas put forward in this document are quite shocking to the minds of the uninitiated.  Counselling should be provided to help the recruit come to terms with the finality of the world.  The war, Nuclear weapons,  The environment has got out of hand, the finality of it all is inevitable.  We must prepare.”

Master Yak Ti – 1932

As we fast approach the end of an epoch characterised by profligacy, greed, myopia and deceit we must be prepared to take up arms in the struggle to maintain the species.  The Earth is preparing a massive purge and the existence of the species is threatened.  It is too late.  When the glaciers melt and the volcanoes explode we will enter a period of darkness.  Only if we are prepared can the members of this organisation survive.  Our ancestors shall be the rulers of a new and refreshed world.  A literal Eden.  Only through the values of the eco-warrior can this Eden be maintained.  They are the values of:

• recycling
• reuse
• sustainability
• ninja swords (see the Yak Ti analects ch. 3 part IV)

We have analysed great amounts of topographical and geographical data to understand the process by which the Earth will enter the rebirth phase.  Through this information we have formulated a plan that will see us survive through to the next cycle of existence.  You as a new recruit will be given a very specific role.  It is your task to learn it well, each part of the plan is critical which means you are a critical member of the team.  Remember once you are initiated into the Green Militia and allocated a role in the plan you cannot leave (holiday forms can be downloaded from the intranet – fill them in electronically please!).  Consider this before performing the pledging ceremony.

The Plan

1.  Move to Kent.  When the glaciers melt we need to be ready to pull the plug on our South Croyden HQ and move to Kent (via A232/M25).  Kent is the only place in the UK that will be habitable.  We would move there before ‘the happening’ but costs don’t allow it.  We will commandeer one of the many evacuated buildings in that area and set up a base of operations.

2.  Build underground city.  We will then spend the next year and a half building an underground city from where our ancestors will emerge in seven hundred and fifty years time.  This should be a relatively trivial task considering all the stuff lying around that people will have abandoned.  Features of the new city will include:

• weekly bin collections
• Olympic sized swimming pool with diving boards and water slides
• cinema playing all the classics
• public transport links – buses, trains and an airport.
• 300 foot statue of our benefactor Master Yak Ti.

3.  Grow food.  We will be developing a new system of farming that makes plants grow really quickly without water, soil or sunlight.  Our top brains have already started work on this in Laboratory ‘A’ next to the other sheds.

4.  Unlearn what we have learned.  We must concentrate on stripping ourselves of the ideas and assumptions that have led to this current predicament so that we will not make them again in the future.

5.  Mission to mars.  We will be developing a mission to explore Mars in case that is a viable alternative to the Earth for the period of rejuvenation, if it is we may just end up going there.

Please fill out the attached form so that we can best place you in the plan.

By the grace of Barry I will pass the Tea Trials. I repeated this to myself as I began warming the pot again. Memorising the rites of this sacred ceremony was proving tiresome. The Analects of Benny provided little comfort. If I was to become a stage seven Brummy by the time I was forty I had to master these low level techniques quickly. If I struggled at the Tea Trials how would I fare at the Zeppelin Recital? Forgive my ineptitude Barry, I too follow the path of passive optimism. Praise be to you and yam disciples.
“I hope you don’t mind me interrupting,” the Pastor said. “I don’t want to disturb your practice, especially as we are so close. I have great expectations for this years flock. Young Frank Wurzel is progressing excellently and I expect you to be easily as good. If not better. Exciting times indeed. Soon our little Island will be like a Birmingham away from Birmingham.”
“I was just finishing actually.” I emptied the hot water into the sink. “I’m really looking forward to it Pastor.”
“Good, good. Well the reason I popped round was to give this to your mother.” He held out a fortune cookie. “She seemed a little down the last time we spoke, what with the passing of your father I thought she could do with a pick me up.”
“She does seem down. I’ll see that she gets it. Thank you for thinking of her. May Barry think kindly of your children.”
“And may he bathe in the sweet aroma of your tea.” He smiled. “You’re a good Brummy lad. You know if you are having a little trouble old Harry is an excellent brewer.”
Old Harry was a hermit who lived on the edge of the village. He spoke with a strange and lazy accent and stomped around in thick gum boots. He smiled at people but his lack of teeth and lumpy pale gums were off putting. Despite his eccentricities he was an elder of the council and a revered individual. He was a Brummy. A real native that had somehow found his way to Mauritius.
“Maybe I will go and see him.”
“Excellent! This is truly the year. Other villages must envy our devotion and skill in the Black Country Arts. A resounding success I already know it. How can we possibly fail with an actual Brummy in our midst? Praise Barry.”

*

“Hello? Yes?”
I prostrated myself on the floor and deeply inhaled the aroma that wafted out of the cabin. It was an interesting mixture of josticks and incense underlined by a slightly musty odour that I had never smelled before.
“Get up.” He grabbed my shoulder. His eyes were bloodshot, I must have woke him. “Who’s with you?” He looked over my shoulder and stared into the bushes.
“Nobody.” I couldn’t tell if he was listening to me. “I was hoping you could show me how to master the Tea Trials.”
“The Pastor sent you did he? I suppose you had better come in, leave your shoes at the door.”
He turned around and walked back into the cabin. I kicked my sandals off and followed him inside. It was a curious house. The front had a strange protective flap which he sealed shut. There was a mechanism on it which he engaged, it was now quite impossible for anybody to get in.
As we entered a room at the back of the cabin the air became quite thick with smoke. I felt a tickle at the back of my throat, I tried not to cough but ended up retching. There were cushions on the floor and some material had been draped in front of the window. He pointed at a cushion and told me to sit down. There was a small tray on the floor burning incense next to me. I felt light headed.
“Welcome to my home,” he said. “Now explain to me why you have come here.”
“I am having great troubles with the Tea Trials learned one.”
“They are perfectly rudimentary, have you read the analects of Benny on this matter?”
“Indeed I have but maybe I haven’t made myself clear. I can perform the ceremony perfectly well, what I am struggling with is why? I cannot see the purpose of them.”
“Ah,” he said. “Interesting. Have any others expressed these reservations?”
“No. Furthermore I have expressed these feelings to no other. The Parson doesn’t like questioning, it shows a weak command of the faith. ‘All answers can be found in the analects.’ he says. ‘Those who can’t find the answers are polluted with the Doubtful Jinn and must travel down the walk of dismay to the benefit office.’”
I had asked the Parson what the benefit office was. ‘It is limbo boy, where famine lives, it exists beyond the light of Birmingham. It is worse than a disgraced death.’ This was in direct contrast to the analects which clearly stated that Barry had eradicated hell from the world, rid us of this oppressive notion and then freed our minds. Nowhere did it say that he replaced hell with the benefit office.
“I can see you have a great many questions young one. We shall explore them together. Let us drink tea in honour of Barry and then we shall begin.”

“Burn it down, ” he said. “Burn it down and run away with the poison.” Marv had been quiet for the past few weeks. Hiding in the background.

“Bugger off!” Walter screamed. “You think I care about this stupid little nursing home.” He pointed out of the window. “It’s a big world out there and I want it back.”

He sat in front of the large bay looking out over the green fields and towards the black mountains on the horizon. His pyjamas exquisitely pressed with a small white handkerchief expertly folded in his top pocket. He sat with grace, excellent upright posture, his crooked fingers resting in his lap. Surveying the world with his emerald eyes which sparkled with dark secrets and despicable plans.

“Good morning Mr. Runcorn.” The nurse said as she breezed into the room.

“Don’t you people knock?” He didn’t move but he could follow her around the room with his ears. “I want a shave. A proper one, this is an outrage.”

“You can have a shave when the barber comes round.” She said. “Have you taken your medication?” She looked into the cup on his bed stand. It was empty.

The room was thick with the smell of carbolic soap. He liked it. It smelled clean and sterile.

“Don’t touch that!” He turned round to see the nurse touching Chief. A small wooden native American figurine on the bookshelf. “He’s fine where he is. If you touch him again I will call Dr. Greenwood and have you fired.”

She smiled. “You know you’ve got all these books and I’ve never seen you read them once.” She looked at them, all perfectly stacked. “Heideggar, Kant, Nietschze, Plato, Russell, Singer.”

“Please leave, I have some correspondence I wish to write and I can’t concentrate with a dullard like you lowering the tone.”

Walter wheeled himself over to his writing desk, flicked the lamp on and pulled a piece of paper out of the tray. The nurse quietly closed the door behind herself as he unscrewed the lid from his pen.

Dear Sir,

We have yet to meet and the day we do meet will be a day of momentous celebration for me and morbid anguish for you. Before we get in to all that let me fill you in on the background details.

Five years ago I was committed to an institution for the deranged. I was diagnosed with acute schizophrenia. I was somewhat of a celebrity at the hospital because despite this so called disability I had faced my demons and overcome many hardships to become a leader in industry and business. I have been up until now in a state of semi-retirement. I am however throwing my hat into the ring once more.

Five years in planning I have been. Now the inevitability of my success is assured and I am in a position to issue my first demand. Be assured that it will be the most amenable demand I will make.

Hand over complete sovereignty of the planets countries and peoples to me. Mr. President if you recommend this to other members of the U.N. your life shall be spared during this violent and dramatic re-organisation of our affairs.

Yours Faithfully

Walter Runcorn.